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Mate Quest

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Insights on the nature of compatibility.
How to correctly identify and pursue the right person for you.


Everywhere I go, everywhere I lecture, people ask me what is compatibility. The word by itself sounds so simple it's like a pot cover compatible to the right pot, right? Or is it? Well, if it was so very simple then as soon as we see the person that is the pot cover for us (the pot in question) we will see, of course, the obvious compatibility and the task is done ... or is it? If it is so simple then why do people spend lifetimes searching for that special someone, go through enormous mental agony and often financial expense throughout the search? Why is it that countless books have been written and countless seminars conducted, but we still see people going through life as lonely souls in an ocean of despair?


To understand compatibility we need to examine our soul. Our soul is extremely complex and fascinating. We can never get tired of exploring our soul. For this discussion we need not go very deep, just deep enough to learn who we are and what we need to be truly happy. By now you are probably asking yourself why I presented the question of compatibility and did not give an answer. As soon as we get in touch with who we are and what is important to us we will know who is compatible with us. Sound simple? Yes, because it is simple.

Life is simple - we (artificially) complicate it for ourselves. When we learn who we are and what is important for us in life ... what is truly important, and set priorities in the right order of importance - the rest is easy. You don't believe me that it is that easy? Well let's get to work and see...


The best way to learn about ourselves is to ask lots of questions and really dig inside for answers. The secret is: the more detailed the question is, the more accurate the answer will be.

In the beginning the questions can be as simple as Who am I? What is my personality? What do I want from life? What do I expect from myself? What do I like? What don't I care for? What bothers me and why? What do I enjoy doing and why? What don't I enjoy doing and why? and many more questions that you will come up with on your own. As you can see I added the question why to some of the questions because to understand yourself better you will need to question your answers.

It can be simple, as in Mark's case. He doesn't like riding a bike - when he asked himself why, the answer was traced to the time he was five years old and his older brother was teaching him to ride. His brother decided that the best place to learn was a steep hill in San Francisco a few blocks from their house. He set Mark on the seat, faced the bike downhill and let go. This was Mark's first experience on the bike. Needless to say, Mark ended up in the emergency room covered with blood from head to toe. This experience left a traumatic memory in the child's mind and eventually was pushed away from the conscious mind to a point where Mark could not recall why he did not like bicycles. As a result of one of our sessions in which I instructed him to question the answers that he gets about himself, Mark discovered this long-forgotten memory. I'm sure you'll love to read that Mark is now the proud owner of an 18-speed sport bike that he's exploring slowly and enjoying a new-found feeling of accomplishment.

I want to caution you against answering these important questions with any amount of negativity. Negativity is a poison that slowly but surely poisons our self-confidence and ultimately destroys us.

So, my dear friend, let's not forget you owe it first of all to yourself, if not to people who love you, to be always positive in your thinking. Of course you know by now that what we feel about ourselves we project to the world around us, and people perceive that about us. So... chest out, chin up - you are a wonderful person, believe in it and everybody else will believe in it too! How about checking this theory? By the time you finish reading this book, you will be ready to walk through life feeling wonderful about yourself and successful in everything you do.

Now, let's go back to the purpose of this chapter, Who am I? Remember how the questions start? What are you waiting for? Go ahead, explore yourself and don't forget to try to understand why you feel and think the way you do.

It seems that for most of the people I work with the best way to view all this enormous information about themselves is to write it down in the form of a table. Leave room for the two blank columns, we'll explore them in later chapters.



Why (if applicable)
. .
. . . . .

When Sarah first came to me she had extremely low self-esteem about herself and her abilities. As I began to ask her questions it was difficult for her to even think about her self. After she eventually relaxed to a degree of opening herself up, out came "My name is Sarah, I am a bad person, nobody likes me. I want people to like me..." and so forth. When she was asked to think only positive thoughts it was a supreme struggle.

Let's try an experiment. Please go to a mirror, breathe out, bend your back, lower your shoulders, relax your facial muscles and look at yourself. Remember that person. Now, take a deep breath, straighten your shoulders and back, raise your chin up and remember a wonderful moment of achievement in your life: getting your diploma, winning a sports competition or something similar. Now look at yourself in the mirror - do you like what you see? Of course you do. Others will too.

When you project happiness, enthusiasm, confidence, ... people perceive it about you. And, of course, the opposite is true too. When you feel down, depressed, tired, ... what do you think people around you will perceive about you? You get it ... the same. So let's get to work and write as many positive things about ourselves as possible.

Who am I? wrote Karen. I am a woman, an attractive woman, 31 years old, 5'7", 125 lb. What is my personality? I have a kind and giving personality, stubborn at times. Why? Because I like to be right all of the time and don't like people to tell me what to do. What do I want from life? I want to be successful, loved, cared for, admired, and have a husband and children. Why? If I'll be successful, loved, cared for and admired, I'll feel good about myself and I've been taught that a husband and child are necessary for a woman to be complete and happy. What do I expect from myself? To be a good wife and mother, to care for my family and to be a good person. Why? I perceive that this is expected of me. What do I like? What do I enjoy doing? I like dancing, people, romance, bicycle rides, parks, the beach, I like doing good things for people and I like seeing their eyes smile. I like laughter and happiness, being close to somebody, hugs and affection. Why? It makes me feel good. What don't I like? What bothers me? Violence, hurt, crying, pain, darkness, when I'm not treated well, when I'm not being considered or respected, when I am lied to, left, or neglected. Why? Because it makes me feel sad.

When you ask yourself these questions and more, you have a better understanding of yourself as an individual.

Now you are ready to continue to our next section of "After I determine who I am, do I wish to continue being this way? Do I like myself this way?"




Again the questions come in. Do I like myself just the way I am? Some people perceive that they have a lot of changes to make and some perceive that they are perfect - no changes or adjustments are needed. Why won't you decide for yourself what you think is right for you and after that ... no regrets, no apologies needed. The secret - and it's not a secret if you think about it - is that what hinders our self-esteem is doubt in our self and our abilities. As soon as we examine ourselves and decide that we like what we see, we'll be more self-assured and confident in ourselves. And that's exactly what we want, isn't it? The sooner we realize our wonderful abilities and appreciate them, the better. Each of us is a wonderful and unique individual. Viva la difference. Be proud of yourself, remember? Chin up, chest out, shoulders back and breathe in with deep breaths.

Now you are ready for the next step. Let's see, what would it be? After you evaluated and analyzed who you are, perhaps it's time to think about who could be the right person for you. That's what this book is all about, isn't it? Well, yes and no. I first of all wanted to establish self-appreciation and worth - remember, if you don't love and respect yourself, nobody will. You must reach this step in order to continue further, higher and higher in the stairway of life.


Well, after you know who you are and what you like and don't like and their levels of importance, this should be a breeze. Now let's think about that. What is the first thing we notice about a person when we see them? Their physical appearance, of course. Take a moment to consider how important physical appearance is to you. Would you prefer somebody beautiful next to you but maybe compromise on something else about that person - perhaps character or intelligence, or both? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most important, please select a number that reflects what you consider most important. At number 10 it will mean that physical appearance is the only thing that is important to you in a mate, and the rest is not. Be totally honest with yourself - don't write what you prefer, write what is important for you to be happy ... what you must have.

I am not discounting the fact that there may be many beautiful people with wonderful personalities that are compatible with you, that's not our concern at this moment. Imagine a starving man that has been lost in a desert for ten days. He must have water for survival - all other liquids (tea, juice, ...) are optional but not necessary. The same applies in this question. Let's put this in a table to organize the question and to view that as one complete picture of our desire.

Question Level of importance Why
Physical Appearance/Beauty . .
Sense of humor . .
Reactions under stress . .
Devotion . .
Shared hobbies . .
... . .
... . .

If you followed my advice and evaluated the level of importance by viewing each question as if it stands by itself, you now have a good idea of what kind of person you think will be good for you. You established what is important and what is optional. As soon as all this is clear you are ready! That's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?


One of the first questions everyone asks me is, Where is a good place to meet somebody? I always have the same answer - everywhere! Yes, everywhere - please don't limit yourself to only one designated place. So many people think that a bar is a good place because people supposedly go there to meet. But think about how much thought and preparation goes into going there. By the time you arrive, there are feelings of pressure, tenseness and apprehension - then you add alcohol, which distorts perception. Do you really think that after all of that you are in the right frame of mind to choose a mate? I'm not discounting the benefit of alcohol to introverted people, it can relax them to a level on which they can talk to the opposite sex. Alcohol can help them realize that we are all the same, that we are people first and men and women second. It can give them confidence in themselves and their ability to communicate with the opposite sex. But, please, don't leave the bar with the person you just met. Take their number and give them a call after the alcohol wears off.

So, as I mentioned before, the best place to meet is everywhere. In a park when you walk your dog, on the streets when you do your morning jog, in a supermarket. Let your eyes wander off your shopping list to an interesting face you see out of the corner of your eye. It can be at a football game, in the neighbor's back yard, or at a party for your friend's wedding anniversary - anywhere and everywhere.

A good friend of mine met her life partner through a cab driver that she used one night! After she mentioned that she is looking for a good man for herself, he offered her his best friend's phone number - explaining what a wonderful man he is. She called and the rest is history.

You will agree with me that we are surrounded with people most of the time, everywhere we are - so why not treat them as potential mates? Actually, when you don't treat them as potential mates you are definitely limiting your possibilities tremendously without even being aware of it. So now we agree that every new person that you see is a potential candidate. But what about all the other people that you already know? What about the hygienist in the dentist's office, the postman or the neighbor in 3A? There's a good chance that you already know your mate, but never thought of that person that way - you never gave it a chance. The only advice here is open-mindedness. As soon as you open your mind to your surroundings you will realize the possibilities are endless.

Many people told me that the hardest thing to do is the first step - approaching the person. Let's examine this, why is it so difficult? Maybe it is the fear of rejection? To hear "no" in your face? I agree that it is not pleasant to meet with such a wall in response to your openness. But maybe the response was so cold because the person perceived an abrupt invasion into their domain and acted on an instinct to protect. How about trying a gentle approach of just striking up a casual conversation with this individual instead of a direct invitation for something that requires a physical response

Ron was shopping in his favorite supermarket when he spotted her in a fruit aisle. He felt drawn to this woman like a magnet. Moving slowly, he situated himself next to her while she was picking some apples. Ron commented that the apples looked fresh and perfect for an apple pie, that's his favorite. Irene agreed, and mentioned that she's having friends over for a party and is trying an interesting main course recipe involving apples. They chatted for awhile ( establishing contact ) and Irene decided to invite him to her party (non threatening situation). Ron offered to bring home-made apple pie. I can't emphasize enough the fact that in order to be able to converse with the opposite sex you must be at ease, relaxed and comfortable. Otherwise you will be paralyzed with fear.

When developing relationships, there are a few guidelines to follow:

Be positive

First of all, always talk positively - remember? This way you will come out to be a positive person in the eyes of your date. Never, never, never speak ill of your ex-relationship - the mark will be on you, not on your ex.

Dress accordingly

When going on a date, dress accordingly. Find out the dress code at the place you are going. Always dress comfortably and in clothes that are not confining, you never know when you will be requested to dance! No matter where you are going, always dress a little better than the required norm, this is a good indication of refinement. The more thought you put into your outfit the more respect it will show for your date.

Arrive early

Arrive 5 minutes early, this will give you time to sit, relax, and collect your thoughts for a pleasurable and relaxing date.

Stay relaxed and calm

Tenseness is visible in your body language and your speech, and will not be overlooked by your date.

I also advise you not to appear anxious - don't sound like this person is your last hope for life. Perhaps it's flattering at first, but no one wants to feel completely responsible for your life. It sounds desperate, and few people want to associate with desperate people. People who seek connection to desperate people tend to need some help themselves. Many people who fall in love give all of themselves to their object of desire and forget themselves in the process. They lose their identity and lose touch with who they are, like jumping into a deep sea without keeping in mind where the land is. They let themselves be carried away with the current, motionless. Remember, your lover fell in love with you the way you were when you met - if you lose yourself as this person, what will there be to love? Don't forget your hobbies, don't forget your friends, and for God's sake don't forget to take time for yourself and develop who you are. Your lover will respect you for it. Warning: if your lover doesn't want you to have time for yourself or tries to limit you - watch out - this can mean possessive attachment.


No one person can satisfy all of your desires, needs and wants - please remember that. If your lover seems to migrate toward this, talk it out - don't let it escalate to the point of no return.

I suggest another thing that I repeat again and again in my counseling: honesty. Please stay honest with yourself and with your lover all throughout the relationship. You lover will respect you for it, and you will respect yourself. People like to hear what you really think of them, and it helps to keep their bearings straight. When I am saying be honest I don't mean saying anything and everything that comes to your mind without thinking it through.

Another important thing that I know you've heard many times before is meditation. Meditation will help you tremendously throughout your quest and beyond. It will help you communicate with your subconscious mind and help you gain better control over your body and mind. There are many ways to meditate. For basic meditation, sit or lay in a comfortable position with your back straight, find a position that you can stay in comfortably - without moving - for a long period of time. Close your eyes and take a few long, deep breaths. With each inhale breathe in love and relaxation, with each exhale breathe out negativity and tension. Imagine your body becoming heavy and warm, and that you have no desire to move. Clear your mind while repeating the deep breaths until you feel heavy and relaxed all over. Stay at this state as long as you can and slowly bring your self back. You will feel the benefits of daily meditation very soon.